Enlightened Choices Newsletter for Women's Trauma Issues - From WIIT - The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy - Offering women's treatment programs for acute symptoms of psychological trauma including depression, bipolar, borderline personality, child abuse, sex abuse, trauma, survivor, dissociative disorder, PTSD, multiple personality, D.I.D., ritual abuse, incest and other trauma issues.

Each therapist has their own style. Those of you that have been here have experienced each of our talents. I tried (oh, wait, trying is lying), I worked at writing an article that would be a venue to sharing with you some of what I have learned in the past year as a part if the team here at WIIT. However, no matter what I wrote, or how eloquently I expressed my thoughts, none of them were as clear as they are when written as poetry. This poem was inspired by listening to patients respond to Dr.Bill's group on focusing on old loyalties to abusers, whether abusive parents, family members or others. The poem addresses common threads and themes among patients:

Isolation from the outside world
Being the designated scapegoat of the family
Underlying dynamics of secrecy maintained through the use of shame, blame and guilt
Brainwashing
The dehumanization and objectification of each person in order to maintain the loyalty status quo
Abuser values implying "craziness," "less than-ness," and perpetuating the message "you are dirty, damaged, defective, broken"
The sense of emptiness inside as a result of the abuser's manipulation of reality

As the themes arise, the situation almost appears hopeless... But then, patients continue to challenge that perception by discovering themselves, taking their lives back, and starting over. And as each "gains a new set of wings," we watch you leave and fly away, far.

- Cristina Andriani

Loyalty to the Family
Cristina Andriani (09/10/02)

Family ties tying me tight, tight, tight.
Hands and feet tied to satin threads
Connecting me to wooden shreds
My family dictating every move
Like the puppeteers hand
With one swift movement of a finger
Has created a dance within me
A balancing act of loyalty
As I dance away from myself and into their arms
I succumb to the control that I do not have
The strings feel like handcuffs on my wrists
Restraints into my insanity
Holding me down a good shot of tradition
sending my soul away
I am tripping in a whirlwind world of guilt
A soft caress on my face as I fade
A pat on the arm "good girl" I hear them say as they walk away
And I should be settled for a while
Knocked out, of myself
In isolation from the world around me
I am kept to my family ties
Family ties tying me tight, tight, tight
They bind me to this bed that my family made for me
A death bed, a coffin
A containment room, or a containment house
Keep me away from the world outside
So I can keep our dirty secrets
Laundered through the scapegoat that I have become
Family ties tying me tight, tight, tight
The crazy girl screams, but no one listens
The family grows wings and halo's
In white gowns by my bed side
In the bed that they have made for me,
My death bed,
Angelical masks on their faces as they cleanse their sins through me
I am the keeper of their secrets and dirt,
And they roam around free
I scream but no one listens to the crazy girl
And they stand by my bedside in their sterile white gowns and masks
Looking more like doctors to me, Dr. Kevorkian
Tying me down for surgery
They will take my heart and take my soul
So that I will no longer be whole
It'll be easier to puppet me that way
Family ties tying me tight, tight, tight
After they're done, will I tell their secrets tonight?
Family ties tying me tight, tight, tight
And tighter still when I get loose and go looking for my will
And if I were to find myself, my core
I would break free and soar
With my own set of wings
Given to the black sheep in exchange for her blackness
Which is now theirs to keep
And they watch me and they weep
As I break chains of loyalty, Family ties
No longer tying me tight, tight, tight
If I dare, if I might, breaking free into the light
It was never right
And their wrongness pours over them like tar
White feathers floating to them from the sky
As I fly away
Family ties decay
And I come back to life
Resurrected from the dead
As I leave my bed
I fly away, far.

Abuser's Values

Sounds are a normal part of life, and what we hear daily shapes our perceptions. Our perceptions influence how we think, act and feel. For survivors of trauma, sounds take on an additional function. Sounds function also as psychological triggers which connect present sounds to the audio portion of past traumas.

Normally, mental filters allow the mind to discriminate what sounds and noises to accept or reject. However, the intense focus needed to save the whole from dying during trauma leaves the mind wide open without any mental filters. Therefore, all sounds, noises and spoken words during the trauma are recorded and stored.

A common experience reported by survivors is that just about any sounds and/or voices in their surroundings may trigger sounds and/or voices from his/her past trauma which then replays in their heads. Traumatic sounds/voices may be just a noise, a word, a comment, or a mix of confusing noises, but traumatic sounds' objective is to keep a survivor connected with our past trauma, like an invisible umbilical cord. These traumatic sounds/voices are critical, intimidating, frightening, judging, serious, commanding, vicious and/or controlling.

I term the general category of traumatic sounds/voices "audio flashbacks". Audio flashbacks may not return to consciousness for some time after the trauma, maybe not for months or even years, but once audio flashbacks begin to replay in the survivor's head, they do not stop. Even with all the attempts by a survivor to suppress them, audio flashbacks do not stop.

Once audio flashbacks are activated, they become controlling and/or commanding to insure adherence and loyalty to the secret(s). Audio flashbacks create fear and confusion in the survivor's mind, they seem to increase in strength and control the longer they play. Though audio flashbacks are just a recording, survivors experience them as "real" and in the present. Audio flashbacks shape the survivor's perceptions, therefore distorting and altering how the survivor feels and behaves.

Even the sanest human on earth experiences negative and critical thoughts about self. Critical and judgmental thoughts about self are unavoidable and normal in this fast-paced performance-driven world we live in. But in the healthy human person, the normal critical and judgmental thoughts remain just that: "thoughts." They don't develop into self-destructive or self-sabotaging behavior.

Cognitive distortions, criticisms, vicious and degrading language are part of an abuser's "tools" to control a victim. These tools help the abuser tear down and/or remove the victim's emotions, resistance, values, worth and esteem. The tools help the abuser turn the focus and fault away from the abuser's own "sick behavior". Statements like "You made me do this to you." clearly place the blame firmly on the victim. This process allows the abuser to objectify the victim in order to "sanction" or "legalize" the abuser's own behavior, much like a terrorist believes the terrorist's intense anger justifies his/her deep beliefs and his/her use of terrorizing, killing and bombing.

The cognitive distortions, criticisms, vicious and degrading language become an abused person's audio flashbacks. Again, survivors hear the audio flashbacks each time as if they were being spoken then, as real. This type of audio flashbacks, I call "abuser's values." In other words:

Abuser's values are the replaying of the abuser's voice in a survivor's head. This occurs by full audio playback, or audio flashbacks, from past trauma.
Abuser's values consist of negative thoughts of self, criticisms, distorted values and unattainable expectations.
The abuser's values mentally trap and control a survivor in streams of negative, frightening, demeaning, dark comments.

In the beginning, the abuser's values were not accepted by the victim. Understand that abuser's values are implanted without the victim's conscious knowledge and by force. Once the abuser's values become active, survivors think that the abuser's values are their own thoughts. Survivors think that they just naturally hate themselves. The ability to filter thoughts about self, the world and reality correctly becomes increasingly difficult. This difficulty breeds feelings of powerlessness, which increases the possibility for the survivor to accept the negative perceptions in his/her head. Then the feeling of powerlessness causes the survivor to view self as different, incomplete, bad, broken, damaged, defective or dirty. At that point the true disowning of self or self-hate occurs.

Abuser's values turn out to be one of the most troubling symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Abuser's values set a standard for how the survivor will think, feel, behave, relate, interact or interpret self (intelligence and body image) with self, other humans, the world and reality. The intensity (degree of perceived realness) of the abuser's values determine to what degree of loyalty the survivor will demonstrate. Once the abuser's values become activated, the mind controls the survivor rather than the survivor controlling and using the mind as a positive tool. Over time the survivor becomes unable to have an emotional relationship with self, other people or the world. The survivors eventually become totally "cut off" from self and reality.

One way to view abuser's values is to say that every human sees himself/herself through binoculars. If the binoculars are positioned correctly for use and are operated properly, he/she sees self as whole, valued, complete, competent and acceptable. Unfortunately, few people have perfect binoculars. As a result of trauma the binoculars become flipped around and positioned the wrong way for correct operation. The binoculars become smudged with external cognitive distortions, criticisms, lies, vicious verbal attacks and degrading perceptions of self. The operator then get a distorted image of self as small, incomplete, damaged, defective, insignificant, different, helpless, hopeless and/or powerless. The distorted image produces a negative picture of self or a "false self". Over time the "false self" develops into an intense self-distrust and self-hate.

"Abuser's values' thinking" is hard to diagnosis because it becomes tightly intertwined with normal critical and judgmental thoughts they see other people have. Accepted negative thoughts such as, "I have a evil/dark side", "I will never amount to anything", "I am someone that no one will ever love because I am so damaged", or "I cannot succeed a anything", "I am so stupid" are examples of abuser's values heard in the minds of survivors. What is strange about these statements is that all originally started with "You", but are repeated to the outside world as "I".

Is there hope for survivors? Of course there is, but it take hard work. Survivors do not have to exist in a negative life controlled by their abuser's values such as I have described in this article. First, make a formal decision to stop reacting to and/or following the abuser's values commands. Second, no matter what happens, commit to that decision. Third, be proactive and learn skills that will help reduce the intensity and frequency of the abuser's values. (For WIIT Alumni, it reads – be proactive and practice your positive affirmations :)

Survivors do have the power to stop being controlled by their abuser's values. Survivors can take charge and use their mind as the tool as it was meant to be. If survivors institute proactive changes, starting today, their chance for a successful recovery from trauma will significantly increase.

References:
Tollefson, W.B. (1993). "The Forbidden Betrayal: Loyalty within Sexual Trauma". Treatment Center: Feb. Issue.

It started out so blank
This image I had of myself
It was never reflected in other's eyes
But more as an object of reflection
Like a flat, giant mass of water
Absorbing everything given to me
Taking on all of these things that were not about me
Having no means to measure myself
Having depth but using it only to store the things unloaded on to me
I was a well of what everyone else wanted, dreamed, feared and loved…
The difference now is that this water is mine
Possessing richness of color, blues and greens and gold's of fiery orange and red
It holds much more than someone else's issues
It holds me….
Full of treasures
Seashells, beautiful fish, plants and tiny sand castles made from the shift of time
It holds the horizon of hazy purples and mauves
It draws in the sun to set and supports the moon with it's long glowing beams
It has texture, volume and variety
It has meaning and purpose
It's waves are turned by my emotions and the passions of my heart
Yet it's current is constant and it gives me peace
It has a tide that embraces new
territories and then enfolds back into itself
Integrating what it has seen and heard into my being
My existence
It can still reflect others but those reflections help me to see the world more clearly
It is filled with love
And maintained with integrity
It gives me identity…
It is me

The search of your soul is but only the search for yourself.
Let the light in, for it will be good.
Let the light in, for it will be your soul.

Your soul cries out to you like a child in the snow,
Come out and play with me for I am alone.

Do not run back,
Do not be ashamed,
For what you have learned is that you are not alone.

The world will tell you different,
The world will throw you aside,
But be patient my child,
for you will survive.

Survive you have, since you are here today.
For the love that is inside you, will last for decades.

Do not close the doors,
Do not close your heart,
It is your soul you are denying, to be free at last.

Straw, it came first.
It laid at my feet.
Any my others said build us a home.
I tried and I lied,
letting abusers abide.
But I kept going,
my others traveling with me.
I sought the Contractor.
WIIT was the port in the storm,
waiting calmly,
for Us to find the right path,
to freedom and love and trust.

Wood, I learned from the contractor,
Could be solid enough,
to hold my family and me.
But I had to learn to cope.
To discard the straw that my first house was built of.
And construct a new concept,
Of me.

Concrete and stone will build my house,
For all of us to recover.
It is and will be a solid home,
Of love, comfort and
New Beginnings.

I am a Recoverer.
I am my own strength.
I find what I am,
Because I am intelligent.
I bring my Higher Power to all that I do,
And trust that He will lead me,
To my new concept of me.

I thank Dr. Bill,
For without him I would certainly have been dead
Or still clutched in the brambles of blackness..
I am me because he believed in his vision,
And had Faith.

I went through the WIIT program in 1996 and wanted to tell you all how much the WIIT program has impacted my life. I was referred to WIIT by my therapist while I was being treated for self harm, bulimia, and PTSD. While I was in treatment with you all, I was 19 years old, in the grips of my eating disorder and desperate for answers to what I considered my "crazy behavior." At the time of my treatment, I do not think I was really ready to face my abusive past, nor accept the different parts of myself. I was so stuck in the victim mode that I was unable to see anything beyond my own pain. I was no where near able to take charge and responsibility for my behaviors and the consequences. However, with that said - I did listen and retain the information and skills I received at WIIT.

Six years later I can look back at my experiences and know that they helped to shape the person I am today. Today I am 26, I have received my masters degree in social work and I work as a psychiatric social worker. I know every time I encounter an abuse survivor I bring the WIIT program into my counseling approach. For so many of my clients that I offer a gift they do not receive in other counseling settings. I say that because I believe I learned through the counseling staff at WIIT - Cathy, Pat, Dr. Bill and Larry - that I was not a victim or damaged goods, but a survivor, and there is life after abuse. From the WIIT program I learned you do not have to keep reliving the pain and trauma over and over again to achieve inner peace and recovery. I have been through vast amounts of treatment programs ranging from outpatient, inpatient and residential counseling. Looking back at all those experiences, I believe the WIIT program had the biggest impact on my recovery.

So with all that said, the main point of this letter is to say thank you.
I am so happy to know your program is still operating in the ever changing field of mental health.

Sincerely,
Kris, WIIT Alumni

This is my third attempt now at writing a letter from the editor for this issue. Usually it's very easy but for some reason this time the words are just getting all jumbled up in my head. It's probably because I just have too much going on in my life right now and my brain won't focus. I've had to look at how I set my boundaries in my life lately. We've had some changes in my family and, as a result, my 94 year old Grandmother now lives with my sister and I. This has proved interesting.

My sister and I have shared a home for 8 years now and we've managed to work out the kinks quite some time ago. We respect each others space and belongings and most of all we've learned to compromise on issues so that we don't kill each other. 94 year old ladies don't compromise very well. I'm hoping that this is something that will improve with time. It's challenging when everything needs to happen on her timetable regardless of what we have going on in our lives. It hasn't been a major issue yet, just little, irritating things like having to set the table at 10 a.m. for a 7 p.m. dinner party or having your day planned out for you when you just got home after being on the road for two months and you just want (and need) to sleep. Boundaries become a very important thing in a household like I now have. I do have to be realistic though, she's been getting her own way for 94 years and the likelihood that she'll change now is pretty slim. I guess it boils down to choices like all things in life do. I can choose to fight my Grandmother or I can just accept the way she is and go on. That's probably the route that I'll end up taking.

Having my Grandmother with us has definitely had it's good side as well. I've learned more about my family history in the last month or so than I ever hoped to know. I've also been given the gift of getting to really know my Grandmother which is something I never expected to get. Not when she is already 94. She's a pretty amazing lady. She has all of her faculties and gets around pretty well. If not for a vision problem, she could almost be independent. Well, there are a few quirks, like she thinks my house has an upstairs and it's really a ranch, I just want to know what stairs she keeps climbing.

I think this is going to be a true test of my recovery. I've already discovered that I have ISSUES with my Grandmother and our past. I think they're issues I can work through but it may put me back in therapy for a little while, we'll see. In truth, I don't have it as bad as my sister does. I travel all the time and I won't be home for more than three weeks between now and November so she really has the Gramma problem all on her own. I do provide a voice of reason and sanity over the phone and I provide one other important function for my Grandmother. She seems to be living her life vicariously through mine. I give her lots of to talk about when she calls her friends and our relatives. Everyone in my family now knows where I am, when I'm coming home, where I go next and what sight I went to see last weekend. I don't know how much I like that but if it keeps her going I guess it's okay.

The biggest thing I've come to realize so far (I'm sure I'll realize more) is that we don't cherish the elderly in our society enough. In spite of all the little situations that have arisen, I wouldn't trade this time with my Grandmother. It's a precious gift that I never thought I would get. The things she has done in her life and her wisdom amaze me. She is an incredible woman. AND I'm a survivor. I'm tough, I can handle a little old lady. How much havoc can a 94 year old wreak anyway????????????

To submit articles to the newsletter to be published, just mail them to:

     Editor
     4712 Heath Ave
     Tampa, FL 33624

We'd love to hear any success stories, poetry that you've written or anything else you might like to share. If you want your articles back, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

Whew. You're feeling pretty good these days. Faithfully doing your affirmations has paid off. You actually startled yourself recently when you realized that for the first time in your life you consciously felt relaxed and at peace. At first you weren't sure what was up because the feelings weren't familiar, and although the feelings didn't last long, you actually allowed yourself to feel them, identify them, and then embrace them instead of stuffing them into one of your "I'm not worthy" moments. (GOOD JOB!) You think you may have actually made it in every area of your life, so you decide to take a quick mental inventory. OOOPSEY. Suddenly you realize that when it comes to your career, you are once again plagued with abuser values and brain washing.

Let me help you out here. This is totally normal and actually a really good sign of your recovery. The fact that you realize that your career is a problem area shows how far you've come. And even if you haven't realized it yet, you will very shortly, and that's okay too. Remember, it wasn't that long ago that just surviving for another day took everything you could muster, so examining the dimensions of your career wasn't even in the realm of reason. Now that you've healed significantly in so many areas of your life, you have the strength and tools it takes to examine your career choices and maybe make some changes. Go For It!!!

There are three categories of career self-sabotage and I bet that every one of you falls into one of these behavior patterns. And you have to promise me that you will stay present when you read the names of the categories. Okay? Good. Uh. Uh. Uh. No groaning allowed. The categories are:

    1. Career Anorexia
    2. Career Bulimia
    3. Career Promiscuity

Hey! Get back here! You promised remember? :) Now if you've all settled down sufficiently, I'll continue. Breathe. You're safe. Relax! This lesson might even help you find a job you love for the extravagant amount of money you're really worth!

Career Anorexia occurs by absorbing your abuser's values as you watch their frustration over their own menial jobs. They program you to believe this is all you can ever expect in a job and that you'll never have anything better. They pound home the idea that all jobs are always dissatisfying so often that you end up terrified to even hope because your expectations might be too high. You settle for jobs that are less than what you're capable of and therefore less fulfilling and you end up feeling rejected, empty, lonely, useless, and worthless. The rationale that brought you to this point is once again what you learned at home, and it's called the Scarcity Syndrome. It says, "I can never do better", "There will never be other jobs", etc. When you are loyal to these abuser values and abandon your true self and true passion, your self-neglect is abuse as sure as if your parents were still standing right in front of you telling you their pathetic lies. Wake up. You are a genius or you'd be dead or crazy, right? Go get that job of your dreams!

Career Bulimia revolves around self-sabotage and the Imposter Syndrome. You get that great job, do better at it than anyone before you ever has, and then you sabotage yourself, lose the job, go out and take a menial job, and start the cycle all over again. The Imposter Syndrome says, "I'm no good", "I'm a fraud", "I'll be found out", etc., all of which comes from the shame, blame, guilt, judgment, and punishment you endured at home. Remember, the shame was never yours to start with. You inherited your abuser's shame and interjected it into your own life. The end result is that you repeatedly vomit your success, leaving emotional debris in its place. Break the loyalty bond with your abusers and keep the next fabulous dream job I know you'll get!

Career Promiscuity is a little trickier. (No pun intended :). Those of you that suffer from this career malady feel worthless, empty, lonely, frustrated, ashamed, and exhausted. And why? In many cases you have six and even seven degrees, are a doctor, lawyer, judge, or other respected professional. You live in what is considered by others as the "right" neighborhood, drive the "right" car, and belong to the "right" clubs. So why aren't you deliriously happy? Because you are living by your parent's abuser values, which requires you to perform "society-valued" jobs rather than seeking your true passion. Does this sound familiar? You're constantly frazzled, you're running around doing too much, you have zero energy and you're depressed most of the time. Take a look at your last three jobs. Did you do them for yourself or for others? Are you satisfied and living up to your full potential? Does your heart sing with joy each morning? No? Then GET REAL!!! It's time to take an honest look and:

Face your fears
Make a decision to do something about it
Be responsible to yourself and your career calling
Take the necessary steps by interacting with people already in the field
Add, "I deserve a prosperous career for me" to your affirmation list

If you will take that leap of faith, be persistent and ask your Higher Power to help you, then the next time I see you you'll be singing:

Be all that you can be…
…JOIN RECOVERY!!!

You are so worth it! Let us hear about your successes!
YOU CAN DO IT!!!